I have been reflecting a lot about my relationship with my dad and his wife. I am a "kid" whose father remarried and met his current wife when I was in my 20s, not a child by any means. I have started referring to her as my dad's wife because I don't believe it's fair for her to be given the title of “mother” when she did not raise me, care for me, or support me. What has happened is that the relationship between my father and I has ceased to exist beyond an acquaintance. I am resentful towards her because of the things she has said about my mom and my sister as well as myself.
I am not saying I haven't been resentful and held grudges to long or misunderstood things. I have been at fault too. But I can't change who I am and who my father raise me to be. She holds me accountable but refuses to hold herself accountable. Sometimes I wish I could hit the reset button on things, but I can't. I have tried a fresh start approach with her several times, hashing out our feelings and vowing to forget the past. But she continues to bring up the past and continue to act in inappropriately. We are both adults and she is not deserving of the respect she demands.
There a couple of things that I think about the situation:
1. First and foremost I am an adult - and you need to give the respect in order to received it.
2. The way she feels about me should not in any way be transferred to my father. Don't make him hate me because you do.
3. We don't have to like each other to be civil and polite and respectful.
4.I should be able to have a relationship with my dad without having a relationship without her there to supervise.
It seems to me that she is extremely insecure. Her insecurities and the way she acts towards me make me insecure and instead of moving forward and getting past things we are stuck in this downward spiral that we can't get out of. I have thought about just walking away. Maybe it's not worth the fight. If my dad really cares he'll come to me right? Well I did a short test run about 6 month and it failed. I ended up calling because he didn't. Overall it's very sad and I don't know what I am going to do.
So I was looking online for some blogs or articles of people in the situation, seeking insight to advise to some degree. I found this article on CNN.com. I guess it only fuels my fire, but it also validates how I am feeling and why I am so full of resentment. I have summarized it below the link.
Things a stepmother should never say
1. "Go ahead, call me Mom!"
2. "Feel free! Do whatever you want."
3. "I'll get it," "I'll drive," "I'll wash it," "Forget about me," etc.
4. "Why the long face?"
5. "Your dad and I always ... "
6. "Did your mother bring you up to do that?"
7. "Have you always done that?"
8. "Your room is a pigsty!"
9. "Well, my kids and I ... "
10. "What's the matter, never heard of thank you?"
11. "We're not made of money, you know."
12. "It's them or me."
